Questions to Ask a Spiritual Director

Francis de Sales put it in one sentence. In an old English translation of his Introduction to the Devout Life, the guide "must needs be full of love, of wisdom and of discretion; for if either of these three be wanting there is danger." ¹ His French has charité, science and prudence: charity, knowledge and prudence. Love, because direction exists for your good and not the director’s; knowledge, because the spiritual life has a real body of teaching behind it; prudence, because good advice given at the wrong time or in the wrong way does harm.

Teresa of Avila asked for a director of sound judgment and experience, and prized learning above almost anything: "the more learned the better." ³ The Catechism, drawing on John of the Cross, asks that a director be learned and discreet and have experience of the spiritual life. ² A 2011 handbook from the Congregation for the Clergy lists much the same: sufficient knowledge of the spiritual life in theory and practice, experience of it, and a sense of responsibility and prudence. ⁵

Notice what is not on these lists. Nobody asks that a director be charismatic, a gifted speaker, or famous. A quiet person who listens well, knows the faith and has prayed for a long time is what you are looking for.

Most directors expect an introductory meeting and will be glad you came with questions. You do not need to ask all of these, and a good director will often answer several before you get to them. They are here so that you do not leave the first meeting wondering about something you could have asked.

• What formation have you had for spiritual direction? A priest’s seminary formation counts; so does a diocesan or religious-order training program. Ask how long they have been directing people.
• Are you Catholic, and do you direct according to the teaching of the Church? A good director answers this without hesitation.
• Do you have whatever permission your state of life requires? A religious may need a superior’s blessing for outside work; some dioceses keep a list of directors they have approved. You can ask whether they are on it.
• Do you yourself see a spiritual director, or have supervision? Many trained directors do, and it is a good sign.
• What tradition do you draw on? Ignatian, Carmelite, Dominican, Franciscan, Benedictine, or a mix.
• How do you usually work? Some directors listen mostly and ask questions; others give more concrete counsel or assign reading and prayer.
• How often would we meet, and for how long? Once a month for about an hour is common, but there is no fixed rule.
• How do you handle confidentiality, and what are its limits? Ask directly what they would do if they believed someone was in danger.
• If you are not a priest, what happens when I need confession? If you are a priest, would you hear my confession or would you prefer I go to someone else?
• What would you do if something I bring up needs a doctor or a therapist? Spiritual direction and therapy are different things, and a good director knows where the line falls.
• Do you charge a fee or ask for a stipend, and how much?
• How would either of us end this if it was not working?

The point of these questions is not to interview the director like a job candidate. Ask them warmly, and pay attention to how they are answered as well as what is said. Defensiveness about formation or Church teaching tells you something.

What you say in spiritual direction should be kept confidential, and the 2011 handbook asks that even church authorities respect the reserve and silence of a spiritual director. ⁵ But direction is not confession. The sacramental seal, which the Code of Canon Law calls inviolable and which forbids a confessor to betray a penitent in any way, applies to what is said in the sacrament of penance. ⁷ If you want something kept under the seal, confess it.

Only a priest can absolve. ⁷ Many people see a priest for both confession and direction, sometimes in the same visit; others prefer to keep them separate, seeing a lay director or a religious sister for direction and going to their parish for confession. Both arrangements are fine. Ask your director how they prefer to handle it.

After two or three meetings you will usually know. A good director listens more than they talk, remembers what you said last time, and keeps pointing you back to God, to the sacraments and to your actual life: your marriage, your work, your parish. You leave the meetings with something to pray about. You feel free to disagree.

John of the Cross described the director’s place exactly. The Holy Spirit is the principal agent and real guide of souls, he wrote, and directors "are not the agents, but instruments only." ⁴ Their task is to find out the way God is already leading a person, not to impose a way of their own. ⁴ A director who seems more interested in what God is doing in you than in their own method is a director worth keeping.

The fit is personal. Someone excellent may not be right for you, because of temperament, or because their tradition does not suit the way you pray. That is not a judgment on either of you.

Most directors are good and careful people, and the overwhelming majority of what goes wrong in direction is ordinary mismatch. But direction involves trust and the inner life, and a small number of people abuse that. These signs mean you should step back and talk to your pastor or someone you trust.

• Demands for secrecy about the direction itself, such as being told not to mention it to your pastor, spouse or confessor. Confidentiality protects you; secrecy imposed on you protects someone else.
• Isolation from your parish, your family or your friends, or a suggestion that they do not understand you the way the director does.
• Encouraged dependence: pressure to meet more and more often, to consult the director before ordinary decisions, or to treat their judgment as God’s.
• Claims of special revelations about your life, your vocation or whom you should marry.
• Any romantic or sexual behavior, physical contact you did not want, or meetings arranged in settings that would make most people uneasy.
• Requests for money, gifts or loans beyond an agreed stipend, or pressure to give to a cause the director controls.
• Teaching that contradicts the Church on faith or morals, or advice to stay away from the sacraments.

John of the Cross saw the possessive director clearly four centuries ago. He wrote of directors who take care "that none of thy penitents leave thee" and are jealous when one seeks counsel elsewhere, and called this pride, not zeal for God. ⁴ He also warned against the director who, "like a rough blacksmith, knows only the use of his hammer" and pushes every soul through the same method whatever God is doing in it. ⁴ If anything on the list above is happening, you are free to end the direction, and if it involves abuse, report it to your diocese.

Changing director is not disloyalty. John of the Cross went further than permitting it: directors, he said, are obliged to leave their penitents at liberty to seek the advice of others, and to receive them back cheerfully, and when their direction no longer suits a person, they should advise the change themselves. ⁴ The 2011 handbook recommends staying with one director for the sake of continuity, but says it should always be possible to change freely, especially when there are serious reasons to think growth requires it. ⁵

Canon law protects the same freedom for religious, requiring superiors to respect their members’ freedom in confession and the direction of conscience, and forbidding superiors to induce members to open their consciences to them. ⁶ The principle behind it applies to everyone: the inner life is not something another person can demand access to. The handbook adds that the person receiving direction keeps full freedom and responsibility for their own choices. ⁵

If you decide to move on, a short and honest conversation is enough: thank them, say that you think you need something different, and ask, if you like, whether they can suggest someone. Then go back to finding a director, or to GraceBook’s list of mentors, with what you have learned about what you need.