What to Expect in Spiritual Direction

You do not need to prepare much. It helps to think beforehand about why you are looking for direction now, because that is almost always the first question. Some people write a few lines and bring them, which the Church treats as a perfectly good way to speak: the Congregation for the Clergy notes that a person may open themselves to a director orally or by reading something written in advance. ¹

Bring a notebook if you like to write things down afterward, and a Bible if you pray with one. Most of all, pray for the meeting. Francis de Sales advised anyone looking for a guide to ask God for one and then to deal with that guide openly. ² A short prayer such as Come, Holy Spirit on the way in is enough.

The first session is partly an introduction and partly a trial. The director will usually ask about your story: how you came to faith or came back to it, what your prayer is like now, what is going on in your life, and what you hope for from direction. The Congregation for the Clergy suggests that direction can usefully begin with a general look back over one’s life. ¹ You do not have to tell everything at once.

A good director will also explain how they work: how long sessions last, how often they meet, how they handle confidentiality, and whether they ask for a fee or a donation. Many directors suggest meeting a few times before either of you commits, and then talking about whether to continue. It is normal to leave the first meeting unsure. Give it two or three sessions before deciding. If you want a list of things to ask, see Questions to ask a spiritual director.

Sessions commonly last about an hour. Many open with a short prayer or a minute of silence, and many end the same way. In between, you do most of the talking. The director listens, asks questions, sometimes reflects back what they hear, and now and then offers a suggestion.

Silence is normal. A director may let a pause sit instead of filling it, because something often surfaces in it. Pope Francis describes the listening that accompaniment needs as an openness of heart, more than simply hearing, and stresses that growth takes time and patience. ⁴ Do not expect a lecture. Ignatius of Loyola told those giving his Exercises to say little and let the retreatant find the fruit, because "it is not knowing much, but realising and relishing things interiorly, that contents and satisfies the soul." ³

Prayer comes first, because it is where your relationship with God is most visible: what happens when you pray, when you skip it, what stirs you and what leaves you flat. Ignatius wanted the person giving the Exercises to hear about the "various movements and thoughts" a retreatant experienced, the consolations and desolations, while expressly not wanting to know their private thoughts or sins. ³ If nothing seems to be moving at all, he told the director to ask carefully about how the person was actually praying. ³

Beyond prayer, almost anything in your life can come into it. The Congregation for the Clergy lists the virtues, faults, vocation, prayer, family life, community life, work and the apostolate as matters on which counsel can be sought. ¹ Struggles with sin come up too, and that is fine. But direction is not confession; if you want absolution, go to confession, whether with the same priest at another time or with someone else. The guide to confession and the examination of conscience can help with that.

Your part is honesty. Francis de Sales asked for openness without pretence, showing your guide the good and the bad alike so that the good can be confirmed and the bad corrected. ² The Church adds that it is better to seek direction on your own initiative than to wait to be called. ¹

The director’s part is counsel. Their authority is not one of command, and the decisions remain yours: the Congregation for the Clergy says the person must take up the counsel freely and responsibly and may not shift responsibility for their choices onto the director. ¹ A director who tells you what to do about every question has misunderstood the role. So has a directee who wants to be told.

Most of the work of direction happens between meetings. A director may suggest a Scripture passage to pray with, often by lectio divina, a daily review of the day before God, a part of the Liturgy of the Hours, a book, or simply a time and place to pray that you will keep. The Congregation for the Clergy recommends a simple plan or a few resolutions covering prayer, relationships, family, work and duties, and treats the particular examination of conscience and retreats as natural companions of direction. ¹

These suggestions are not homework to be graded. At the next session you talk about what happened when you tried them, including what you did not do and why. That is often the most useful part.

About once a month is the most common rhythm, often with some flexibility around holidays and busy seasons. The Church does not fix it: the Congregation for the Clergy says the frequency depends on times and circumstances, that there is no fixed rule, and that the early stages call for more frequent meetings. ¹ It also recognizes direction that is habitual, periodic, or occasional, for a particular question. ¹

Some people meet every two weeks during a period of discernment and drop to every six or eight weeks later. Others see a director a few times a year. Agree on what suits you, and revisit it.

Practice varies, and it is reasonable to ask about it at the first meeting. Priests usually give direction as part of their ministry and many accept nothing; some will suggest a donation to the parish if you want to give something. Religious sisters and brothers who direct may ask for a donation to their community. Lay directors, especially those who do this as their work, often ask a fee per session, and many of them offer a sliding scale or will reduce it for someone who cannot pay.

There is no Church rule setting a price for spiritual direction. If cost is a worry, say so plainly; a good director will not be offended, and your parish can usually point you to a priest or religious who directs without charge.

What you say in direction is confidential. The Apostolic Penitentiary’s 2019 note places spiritual direction in the internal forum and says it demands a real secrecy toward outsiders, rooted in your right to privacy. ⁶ But it is not the seal of confession, which covers only what is confessed in the sacrament. ⁶ Ask your director how they handle confidentiality, and if you want something under the seal, confess it.

There is no set length. Some people see one director for a season of discernment and stop when the question is settled; many stay with the same director for years. The Church favors having one director at a time for the sake of continuity, while insisting that a person must always be free to change. ¹ Pope Francis, quoting Peter Faber, puts the reason for patience simply: "Time is God’s messenger." ⁴

Good direction also expects its own end. Pope Francis says that whoever accompanies another must at some point step back so the person can follow the path they have found, as Christ vanished from the sight of the disciples at Emmaus. ⁵

Not every pairing works, and that is no one’s failure. Signs that something is wrong include a director who talks more than they listen, who presses their own way of praying on you regardless of where you are, who makes you feel dependent on them, or who seems uninterested. The Church warns directors specifically against authoritarianism and paternalism that breeds emotional dependence. ¹ Teresa of Avila described a woman whose director kept her on the single subject of self-knowledge for eight years, when God had already led her into a deeper kind of prayer. ⁷

John of the Cross was blunt about directors who will not let people go. He called a director who resents a directee seeking counsel elsewhere a tyrant of souls, and said directors are obliged to leave their directees free, and even to recommend a change when their own guidance no longer suits. ⁸ The Congregation for the Clergy agrees that a person must always be free to change directors, especially for serious reasons. ¹

To end it, say so in a session or a short message: thank the director, say you think it is time for a change, and leave it there. You owe no long explanation. If anything in the relationship was inappropriate, such as a director seeking a personal or romantic relationship, asking for secrecy from your family or pressing for money, stop meeting and tell your pastor or your diocese. Then look again, starting with How to find a spiritual director. Your parish is the first place to ask, and GraceBook’s mentor directory is another.