How to Find a Spiritual Director

This sounds like the pious preamble before the real advice, but the tradition treats it as the first practical step. Francis de Sales, writing for lay people in the early 1600s, told his reader to pray earnestly for a guide and not to doubt that God would provide one. He wrote, in an old English translation: "do you pray most earnestly to God to supply you with a guide after His Own Heart, and never doubt but that He will grant you one who is wise and faithful." ¹

The same chapter is honest about how hard the search can be. Francis quotes Saint John of Avila’s advice to choose a guide from among a thousand, and then raises it: "and I say among ten thousand, for there are fewer than one would think capable of this office." ¹ That is a warning against settling for the first warm and available person, and it is also a kind of permission to take your time.

Praying about it also clarifies what you are looking for. Before you ask anyone, it helps to be able to say in a sentence or two why you want direction now: a decision you are facing, a prayer life that has gone dry, a sense that God is asking something you cannot name yet. A prayer such as Come, Holy Spirit is a good place to begin.

Your pastor or parochial vicar is the most natural person to ask, for two reasons. He may be able to direct you himself, and if he cannot, he almost certainly knows who in the area does this work: other priests, deacons, religious sisters, and lay men and women who have been trained for it.

Do not assume the answer is no because priests are busy. Some priests set aside a few hours a month for direction and are glad to be asked. Others will tell you plainly that their schedule does not allow it, and will give you two or three names instead. Either answer moves you forward.

A director does not have to be a priest. The Congregation for the Clergy, in a 2011 handbook for confessors and spiritual directors, notes that while direction was historically given by monks and priests, other members of the faithful, religious and lay, have also given spiritual counsel, and that there are well-formed lay men and women who offer this service today. ³ The Catechism speaks of spiritual direction as a gift the Holy Spirit gives to certain of the faithful for the good of others, without limiting it to the ordained. ⁵ What a lay director cannot do is hear your confession; for that you will still go to a priest.

Many dioceses keep a list of spiritual directors, or can put you in touch with someone who does. Where the list lives varies: an office for spiritual life or worship, the vocations office, the office of evangelization, or a diocesan retreat center. A phone call or email to the chancery asking "who keeps the list of spiritual directors?" usually reaches the right person within a day or two.

Two examples show what these lists look like. The Diocese of Charleston publishes a list of directors it has approved, arranged by deanery and parish, and notes that people may choose a director from any parish to avoid a preexisting relationship. ⁶ The Diocese of Shreveport lists its directors by region with an availability note beside each name, and at least one offers direction diocese-wide over Zoom. ⁷ Not every diocese keeps a public list, and the standards for being included differ from place to place, so ask what being on the list means where you live.

Some dioceses also run their own programs to train directors. The Diocese of Little Rock’s School of Spiritual Direction, for example, forms directors over three years of monthly weekends in theology and Ignatian spirituality, ending in a supervised practicum; its 2026 class of twelve was made up of laywomen and deacons. ⁸ Programs like this exist in a number of dioceses and religious orders, and their graduates are often the people on the diocesan list. If your diocese has one, its coordinator is a good person to ask.

Retreat houses are one of the most reliable places to find a director, because offering direction is part of what they exist to do. Houses run by Jesuits, Dominicans, Carmelites, Franciscans and Benedictines, and by communities of women religious, often have priests, sisters, brothers or trained lay staff who see people for direction on a regular basis, not only during retreats.

The tradition of the house will shape the direction you receive. A Jesuit retreat house will usually work from the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola and the habit of reviewing the day. A Carmelite community will draw on Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross. A Benedictine house will tend to root everything in the Liturgy of the Hours and the rhythm of work and prayer. None of these is the correct one. It is worth knowing which you are walking into.

If there is a monastery or convent within driving distance, call the guest master or the front office and ask whether anyone in the community offers spiritual direction to people from outside. Many do; some will say they only direct their own retreatants; a few cannot take anyone at all. Making a weekend retreat first is a good way to meet someone before asking them.

If you are a college or graduate student, the Catholic campus ministry or Newman center is the first place to ask. Chaplains and campus ministers are used to students wanting direction, particularly around decisions about vocation, and many centers have a priest or a trained staff member set aside for it. Alumni sometimes keep the same director for a while after graduating, which is a reasonable thing to ask about.

Direction by video is now common, and for some people it is the only realistic option: those in rural areas, shift workers, parents of small children, or anyone whose diocese has few directors with openings. Some diocesan directors already work this way. ⁷ What matters is the same online as in person: the director’s formation, fidelity to the Church, and whether the two of you can talk honestly.

GraceBook is one place to look. Its list of mentors includes priests, religious and lay people who meet with people over video. Be clear about what that list is: mentors describe themselves, and GraceBook does not verify ordination, faculties or training or run background checks. Every mentor signs the Mentor Agreement, undertaking to teach in accord with Scripture, Tradition and the Magisterium, to hold whatever permission their state of life requires, and to work within their competence. Ask any mentor the same questions you would ask anyone else, and talk to your parish and diocese as well.

People often put off asking because they do not know how to phrase it. It can be very simple. Something like: "I’m looking for a spiritual director. Is that something you do, and if not, could you suggest someone?" Then add a sentence about why: "I’m trying to pray more seriously," or "I have a decision coming up and I want help listening to God about it."

It helps to mention practical things early: how often you hope to meet (once a month is the most common arrangement), whether you can meet in person or would prefer video, and any times you are not free. If you are asking a priest or religious, it is fine to ask whether they would like a stipend; many do not expect one, and some lay directors charge a set fee. The Church sets no fixed rule for how often direction should happen; the 2011 handbook says it depends on times and circumstances. ³

Do not feel you have to tell your whole story in the first email. A short request, a phone number and your general availability is enough. The first meeting is where you will both find out whether it is a good fit.

It is common to be told no, or not yet. Good directors are usually full, and a director who has the time may be telling you something about their circumstances, not about you. When someone declines, ask two things: whether they can suggest someone else, and whether they keep a waiting list. Write the names down.

Waiting lists of a few months are ordinary. While you wait, keep a regular time of prayer, go to confession, and if you have the chance make a retreat. Confession is not direction, but a priest in the confessional can give you short counsel, and many people find their eventual director that way. Some people ask a priest for a single conversation to tide them over, which is a reasonable request.

Teresa of Avila is a useful companion through a slow search. Her advice in the thirteenth chapter of her Life is to look for a director with sound judgment and experience, and to value learning highly: "every Christian should continue to be guided by a learned director if he can, and the more learned the better." ² She also allowed that a person may not find everything in one person, and may need to consult a learned priest alongside an experienced guide. ²

The Church treats the choice of a director as yours. Even in religious life, where obedience runs deep, canon law requires superiors to respect the due freedom of their members in matters of confession and the direction of conscience. ⁴ The 2011 handbook says that in seminaries and religious houses, where directors are often assigned, the system should still leave ample room for personal choice, and that it should always be possible to change directors freely when there is good reason. ³

That freedom works in both directions. You do not owe your first contact a yes, and a director who agrees to see you is free to say after a meeting or two that someone else would serve you better. Neither is a failure. The Catechism, quoting John of the Cross, puts the stakes plainly: a person who wants to grow should take care into whose hands he entrusts himself, "for as the master is, so will the disciple be." ⁵